IF NOAH HAD BEEN A NIGERIAN....
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: "I will give you six months to build Me
an Ark. At the end of six months I will send rainfall to cover the entire
earth and destroy all bad people. However, I want to save a few good people,
and the animals, two of every kind. So I am ordering you to build an Ark for
Me," said the Lord. And in a flash of lightning He delivered the
specifications for an Ark.
"No problem," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.
"Six months, and it starts to rain" thundered the Lord. "You'd better have
my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time."
And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall.
The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was
no Ark. "Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?"
A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah, for emphasis.
"Oga, abeg make you forgive me," begged Noah. "I don try - ah! ah!. De
trouble wey my eye see no be small, I swear. Dem tell me say I need
certificate of occupancy before I go kuku build de Ark. I don waka Ministry
of Works so tey I tire. Then, I come see say na money dem want, and I carry
all de money wey I get gif dem.
Na im dem tell me say make I add extra windows for "cross ventilation", and
make I divide de toilet from de baffroom, so that if I de go toilet, another
person fit dey baff. Anyway, I pay one engineer so, make im modify de plans
So, after I don finish dat one, I come go for forest to go get wood. Dem
tell me say I no fit cut wood without permit from Forestry people. Anyway, I
go see de forestry people dem and dem say I fit go cut de wood. When I reach
de village now, dem no gree make I cut wood. Dem say I must gif dem their
share - because na so one big man come from town come cut all de wood for
here before for export, and he no pay dem compensation.
Na wa oh! And me I think say government no de gree us export wood.
Finally, as dem wan fight me, I quickly settle de village chief, and dem com
gree say make I take de wood. Before I go carry de wood reach my house, na
so so wahala for road. I settle police, I settle soldier, I settle customs,
I settle immigration, I settle tax man, I settle local government, then when
I don reach my house now, de truck driver and him boys say if I no settle
dem, dem no go help me offload de wood.
As I start to build de ark now, na im task force people come mark 'X' for de
ark, say I no suppose to build de ark for dis place. Dem ask me say whether
I no know say "environmental sanitation decree" no de allow dis kind thing
for inside town. Anyway I think say na my neighbor na im call dem, de man de
jealous me well well.
Wetin I go do, I settle dem too. "As I say make I kuku hurry finish de ark,
na im de carpenters wey de help me come talk say dem no go work again unless
I gif dem extra money. Me sef I surprise wen dem tell me say dem hear say na
big government contract wey I de do and plenty money dey inside. To cut long
story, I settle dem too.
Anyway, people plenty now wey de build de Ark, apprentice full ground. As I
begin to gather de animal dem, I come jam another trouble. De"404" people
dem no want make I take their dogs, dem say na delicacy. Bushmeat and fowl
people no gree me. Even de people wey de chop "isi ewu" come vex with me.
Dem ask me whether I no know say meat don too cost these days, where I wan
carry de small meat whey dey ground. So, I wan tell you now say, I no fit
find dog, fowl, goat, or bush meat, and infact I just manage get cow, as one
mallam don nearly dagger me when I want take de cow dem."
"One day as I de build de ark now, na im NDLEA come arrest me carry me go
prison for questioning. Dem talk say, dem hear say I wan carry de Ark
smuggle cocaine & indian hemp to America. Later, sha dem come find say no be
me dem de look for, so dem release me. I never even reach home, when SSS
come arrest me for further questioning, say dem here say I be NADECO, and I
wan carry de Ark go smuggle guns and bombs to come overthrow Naija
government. Anyway, I come convince dem say I no know wetin be NADECO, dem
release but tell me make I de report to force headquarters every day. As I
de gather de animal dem, na im FEPA come send me letter say I never gif dem
environmental impact assessment for de animal s**t where I go throway and de
flood wey You wan send.
I tell dem say na You wan send flood cover de whole world. Dem no happy at
all! Dem tell me say nobody fit do dat kind ting without permission from
dem. Anyway, as de chief engineer say make I show am de place where de flood
go start, I give am map of de world, he no satisfy, so I settle am too."
"As you see me de cry so, na because ee dey like say dis wahala no dey
finish. De local government chairman where my house dey come call me
tribalistic. Him talk say almost all de carpenters and labourers wey de work
for me come from my village. Him talk say I must gif work to some of de town
boys. I tell am make he send them, him no gree. Everyday him go send "area
boys" to come cause wahala for me. Dem wan spoil de small part of de ark
where I don build so. Dem no dey gree us work again.
Everyday when dem come here I must gif dem money otherwise, dem wan scatter
Oga Lord, I tell you, I don tire, even sef de other day, tax collector come,
come say I never pay tax, say dem wan arrest me. I tell dem say I don pay
tax last year, dem tell me say dis year I must pay de tax in advance, so I
don kuku spend all de money wey I get for settling. Make I tell you de
truth, I no think say I go fit finish dis your Ark sef, even if you gif me
five years," Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the
sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean say you no go send flood take
destroy de earth?" Noah asked, hopefully.
"Wrong!" thundered the Lord. "But being Lord of the Universe has its
advantages. I fully intend to smite the Earth, but with something far worse
than a Flood. Something Man invented himself."
"Wetin be dat?" asked Noah.
There was a long pause, and then the Lord spaketh his Last Word,